


We're Not Who We Used To Be

by jaerie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Body Dysphoria, Brutal Honesty, Childhood Friends, Communication, Dirty Talk, Discussions About Transitioning, F/M, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, HRT Conversations, Inappropriate questions, Loss of Virginity, Questions, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Medicating, Trans Female Character, Trans Harry, Transitioning, Transphobia, Unsafe Use of Medication, mentions of medical procedures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:42:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25213348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: Louis comes back to his childhood home and sees an old friend who has changed quite a lot since the last time they saw each other.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 21
Kudos: 285





	We're Not Who We Used To Be

**Author's Note:**

> This is not intended to be a representation of the trans community or to be used as an educational tool on trans individuals.

Louis was speechless. For one of the first times in his life, Louis was absolutely speechless. He fish mouthed as he stood on the stairs of the patio and had absolutely no words. Luckily no one seemed to be paying attention to him which gave him a moment to process the sight. 

“You remember Harry, right?” his stepmother had said as she talked about the 4th of July bbq at the neighbor’s house that they had been invited to. Of course he remembered Harry. Long before he had a stepmother, he’d lived in the house she now called home. Their backyard bordered Harry’s family’s property. They had been best friends until middle school when his parents had divorced and he’d been forced to move several hours away. 

Of course he remembered Harry, but not the way he stood in front of him. Not the way  _ she  _ stood in front of him. 

Still tall and dimpled, Louis could see his friend still shining through the young woman casually leaning against the railing. His mop of wild curls had grown out into long waves pinned back away from her face in the summer heat. Bright red lipstick and long eyelashes were the highlights of her now femininely soft face. The plunging neckline of her halter top showed off some impressive cleavage, the hem barely reaching the waist of the scandalously revealing short shorts showing off her smooth legs for days. 

Louis hadn’t spent much time at his dad’s house since the divorce, but he hadn’t expected  _ that _ much to change. 

“Harry! Look who came!” His stepmother announced, drawing everyone’s attention back to him. He hoped that he had regained the ability to control his face, attempting a smile as this new Harry looked over and offered him the same wide smile he’d know anywhere. 

“Lou!” Harry made her way across the deck and pulled him into a tight hug, “I haven’t seen you for ages!!” 

“Yeah, I know. Seems like a lifetime.” 

Louis wasn’t quite sure what else to say. He was still processing it. Her voice hadn’t taken the deep path Louis always expected it to once they’d both finished filling out, instead it wasn’t all that different from when they had been friends. 

“I didn’t know you were coming!” 

“Dad said I should come out for a few weeks before I started my new job this fall,” Louis offered with a shrug, “So I took him up on it.” 

“It’s really good to see you,” Harry stepped back and seemed extremely happy to see him. 

Louis relaxed a little. Same friend, different package. The enthusiasm was no different from the gangly kid trying to convince him to stay for dinner. 

The chaos of the buffet style meal tore them apart shortly after and it wasn’t until everyone was pulling up lawn chairs in the backyard to see the fireworks that they found each other again. Since everyone was distracted, Louis had slipped around to the front of the house for a cigarette, sitting on the porch swing with the sound of crickets and the distant sounds of chatter for company. 

“Hey,” Harry came around the corner and gestured to the seat beside him. Louis gave a nod and she sat, only throwing off his gentle sway for a moment. 

“So this is new,” Louis said after a long drag and a slight gesture to Harry’s body. 

“To you, I guess,” Harry nodded, leaning forward with her hands on the bench on either side of her thighs. “It really has been a while.” 

“So when did this happen?” he asked without judgement in his voice. He was surprised, but he hadn’t even begun to start unpacking the rest of his thoughts. 

“Not long after you left, I guess.” 

“Last I knew you thought you might be gay.” 

“Apparently things were a little deeper than that,” Harry said softly, “I guess I always knew at least a little. Always had a pretty big crush on you so I was too worried about dealing with that to acknowledge the rest until you weren’t around distracting me.” 

Louis glanced over and saw her little smirk. 

“I’m well aware of how my looks can be distracting,” Louis joked back. Were they flirting? Maybe a little. They always had. 

“So yeah. Not long after you left.” 

The popping echo of the fireworks filled the air around them, the front lawn lighting up with the light show that they couldn’t fully see. 

“How’d your parents take it?” Louis asked when his reel of memories finally landed on how scared Harry had been about his parents reaction should he come out as gay. He hadn’t expected them to be optimistic. 

“I didn’t tell them for a long time,” her voice kept them in their little bubble, sealed off from the celebration around them. “My grandma died maybe a little less than a year after you left. I was helping my mom clean out her house and I opened up one of the drawers in her bathroom and I found it full of prescription pill bottles. I started looking at them and they all had pills in them like she kept filling the prescriptions but never taking them. There were so many and some of them were really old. Most of it was estrogen and progesterone and things they prescribe after menopause, I guess. I looked that stuff up later. I looked at the bottle in my hand and something in me just… clicked. So I packed them all up in a box and sneaked them home with me without telling anyone. 

“It was really stupid and risky on my part in hindsight, but I had barely turned 15. In my mind the benefits outweighed the risks. So I started taking the pills.”

“You knew what was going to happen, right?” Louis asked cautiously before lighting another cigarette.

“Yeah, I definitely knew what I was doing when I took them. I started slow at first, just to see if I felt any different. And I didn’t, so I took more. Then I  _ did  _ start to notice things and it was like I was too addicted to stop.”

“Do you regret it?” 

“Not at all. I was addicted to it because I loved the way I started to look and even how I was feeling. Since I was dosing myself and because some of the pills were old and who knows how effective, my parents only noticed because I was getting so emotional and my mood swings were all over the place. I was wearing baggy clothes most of the time, but they eventually noticed that I had boobs bigger than my sister’s and it kind of all broke open at that point.” 

Louis’ eyebrows jump in shock, not expecting to hear that it had taken that long for her parents to catch on. 

“My dad tried to send me to all sorts of therapy, but I was working after school and weekends by then, so I really just got real prescriptions and kept doing my own thing.” 

“And they’re okay with it now?” 

Harry shrugged. “I’m almost positive they think it’s still just a phase, but they aren’t as active about voicing their opposition anymore. They did say I’m not allowed to have any surgeries until I graduate since they’ve been paying for part of my tuition, probably hoping I change my mind. They don’t know I had an orchiectomy about a month ago before I came home for the summer.” 

“A what?” 

“Had my testicles removed,” She said matter of factly. 

“You castrated yourself??” Louis asked in shock, his own hand cupping himself through his jeans at the thought. 

“I would have punched anyone else for saying something like that you know,” Harry just giggled as she blushed in the dim light. “I wasn’t thinking of it like  _ that. _ ” 

“How else would you think of it??”

“Like removing a cancer slowly poisoning my body,” she shrugged. 

“What if you want kids or something?” Louis asked as he tried to wrap his head around something that seemed so monumental to him. Harry just looked over at him with a small laugh. 

“I started self medicating with hormones at 15. That ship sailed a long time ago.” She elaborated when Louis just stared back at her. “I don’t think I probably produced sperm since I was a teenager. There are a lot of drastic body changes you wouldn’t probably know about unless you went looking for that information.” 

“Are you going to cut your dick off too??” 

Harry raised an eyebrow at him as if questioning if he had really asked that question.

“It’s not about cutting it off, more like reshaping everything,” she explained, “And I haven’t decided yet. I’ve been saving up since it’s really expensive, but I don’t know yet. It’s a really intense and painful surgery. I have another year of school left and then who knows what… so if I do, I think it’s at least a few years down the road. I can live with my body the way it is right now. The last month has been really good in getting me to a place where I’m okay with what I am.” 

Louis squashed out his cigarette and resisted the urge to light another. He turned the pack over and over on his thigh. Louis loved his parts. He was struggling to understand why anyone would want to give that up. He gave himself a squeeze where his hand still rested between his legs. 

“I know it’s not something that’s easy to imagine if you’ve never felt like I have. But this last month has been so liberating for me. Do you know how hard it would have been to shove myself into these shorts with balls? Tucking is not that comfortable and it’s way too hot for tape.”

“Where do you put what’s left?” Louis asked and looked down at Harry’s lap even though he couldn’t see much more than bare thigh in the dim light. 

“Does it matter?” Harry raised her brow at him again and he realized that his line of question was probably very inappropriate. 

“Sorry, I guess it doesn’t. I’ve just seen you naked before and it doesn’t look like it would fit.” 

“It’s a lot smaller now than it was then. It’s a little easier to hide.” 

Louis had been jealous of Harry’s cock the handful of times that he’d seen it. It was mind blowing to realize that Harry had never felt proud of it like Louis would have. 

“Sorry about all the questions,” Louis said as he gave in and pulled out another cigarette. “It’s just shocking, I guess. Part of me was expecting to see you and you would be the same as when I left. But that wouldn’t have been the case no matter what since it’s been like 10 years. I’m not trying to offend you or anything.” 

“I know. That’s why I said I would have punched anyone else for saying that and I don’t recommend going around asking anyone else stuff like that. But we were best friends, I know how you just blurt stuff out sometimes.” 

“I still shouldn’t have. You don’t have to tell me the details and all of that,” Louis waved his hand, a trail of smoke curling up into the air and catching on the dim light from the street. 

“I don’t mind with you. I don’t talk about it with anyone else. I talk to my therapist about some things, but not the details or anything like that.” Harry looked out across the yard and then let out a slow breath as if deciding whether or not to continue. “I went off to school as female so none of my friends there know. And I like that, in a lot of ways I really do especially after everyone knowing through high school and always looking at me a certain way and knowing all the unspoken things everyone was thinking… but then it’s like a big secret there and I can’t talk about when I’m frustrated about something or sad about setbacks… I took an Uber home after my surgery and it was really weird to go through that alone. I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with or mourn the loss with.” 

“Mourn the loss? Are you sure you don’t regret it?” 

“No, I don’t regret it. But when you have something that has been such a root cause of my dysphoria and so much depression and self loathing… It becomes a part of you and you miss that when it’s gone. I can’t blame it on my balls anymore so if I’m depressed, it means I have to work on me and that’s a lot to come to terms with. It’s almost like withdrawal from a drug. I’m happier without them there, but when I get worked up or I don’t like the way I look in some outfit, I can blame it on my body like that as much anymore. It’s not a sudden miracle fix-all. That’s why I don’t know if I’ll have bottom surgery. I know it won’t immediately fix me and, knowing that, I don’t know if the aesthetics of having a vagina is worth going through the surgery before I’ve dealt with all my other issues.”

Having never known anyone who was transgender, Louis hadn’t thought about it running so deep. He’d never really thought about it at all. 

“Why have the other thing done then?” 

“Lots of reasons. For one, I don’t take blockers so they’re obviously not producing testosterone if they aren’t there, but that’s a complicated balance I won’t get into. Clothing was another, always in the way and popping out,” Harry rolled her eyes with a small laugh, “And it was a simple and easy procedure so my anxiety about needles and surgery was a little easier to manage. And it just felt like time, I don’t know.” 

“Aren’t your parents going to see it through insurance?” 

“I didn’t do it through insurance so they wouldn’t get the bills. Insurance wouldn’t cover it anyway. They pretty much don’t cover anything for transition but give me a discount at the pharmacy. I work a lot to cover the costs and then set aside almost all the extra from my student loans. I’m going to be paying on them forever, but I don’t really know what else to do.” 

“You do what you have to,” Louis shrugged. He’d be paying his off forever as well since student loans were the only way he could afford to go. 

They rocked together on the swing, Harry stealing the cigarette and passed it back with a red lipstick stain around the filter. For some reason it made him smile. It seemed so Harry even if he hadn’t known anything about his gender journey back then. Harry had always just done what he wanted and now she apparently still did. 

“For what it’s worth, I think you look really good,” Louis offered the cigarette again, “I don’t know if that’s appropriate or not to say because it’s not like you looked bad before, but you know, as a girl you look really good. I mean that. Had I not  _ known _ it was you, I wouldn’t have questioned it, you know?” 

“Thanks Lou,” she smiled after taking a drag, “I don’t think your step mom knows.” 

“That would explain why she didn’t say anything,” Louis said with a small chuckle, “Are you just Harry at home? Or have you changed it out in the world?” 

“I haven’t,” Harry shook her head and then shrugged, “It’s always been my name and it felt disrespectful to my mom to just change it. My name doesn’t have the negative ties that a lot of people have to their old name when they transition. I didn’t feel the need to be reborn with a new name since I kind of came into it gradually. They call me H at school a lot or think it’s a nickname for Harriett. I have thought about it off and on, but nothing ever really fit or felt right. Don’t fix what’s not broken, you know?” 

“Why didn’t you talk to me about it? When we used to talk on the phone sometimes?” Louis asked softly. 

“I didn’t talk to anybody,” she shrugged, her shoulders rounding in on herself as she sat back with her arms around her middle. “I didn’t even know how to describe what was going on inside my head to myself let alone acknowledge it by saying it outloud. I don’t think I would have talked about it if you had stayed here for a long time either. Probably not until my first freak out when I couldn’t get hard or the first time I really noticed my chest wasn’t flat.” 

Harry grinned to herself and Louis let out a small laugh. 

“Maybe it’s a good thing I wasn’t here. I might have told you that you were crazy at first. At that age I wouldn’t have understood right away.” 

“Maybe. But you would have come around pretty quickly and then be too curious for your own good. Not that much has changed,” Harry bumped him with an elbow, “I can tell you still have burning questions.”

“Yeah, but I know I shouldn’t be thinking then,” he snorted out an embarrassed laugh. 

“Go ahead, I don’t mind. I told you, anyone else I wouldn’t be so comfortable with.”

With a small laugh Louis gestured to her chest, “Are those real?” 

“Very real. Grew them myself,” she smirked as she grabbed her boobs in her hands and gave them a squeeze. “I’m really lucky that I didn’t end up with a stroke or heart attack or something, because I just kept doing stupid internet searches which is so dangerous and yet I still kept taking more until I actually started to see physical changes. And oh my god it  _ hurt _ growing boobs. I was always  _ so sore _ . I remember someone ran into me in the hallway once and I sat by my locker and cried because it hurt so bad. My hormone levels were so messed up when I finally went to a real doctor so that was probably why I had so many problems, but at least I already had my boobs.”

“They’re really nice,” Louis kicked himself when the words came out. He knew how he  _ meant  _ it, but that wording still sounded rude. 

“I’ll show you if you want,” Harry shrugged and reached for the tie of her halter top. 

“What?? Here??” Louis looked around to see if there was anyone who might be paying attention to them. 

“We can go up to my room if you want. I’m staying in the apartment above the garage,” she nodded towards the detached garage. She slid her hand into Louis’ and then stood up, gently tugging until Louis stood up as well. 

There were fairy lights strung up around the space along with some sort of sheer fabric. The apartment had a small kitchenette next to the bathroom and then a bedroom and living space, all just a little larger than a normal two car garage. Louis recognized the recliner from their living room when they were growing up. 

Harry grabbed two beers out of her mini fridge and handed one over with a smile. 

“Happy 4th, cheers,” Harry lifted the bottle and then tipped it back. Louis followed suit as he sank down into the recliner and Harry sat on the edge of her bed. He tried not to stare as she untied her top with one hand and let the two pieces fall. “I’ll be honest. I have never been a fan of bras. I think my nipples are too sensitive.” 

Louis tried to keep his eyes on anything else but failed when a hand went behind her back to unbutton what was holding the rest of her shirt around her torso. It easily fell from her body to reveal a large butterfly tattoo and a bellybutton ring with dangly jewels that sparkled in the fairy lights. 

“You can look,” Harry said as she lounged back on her bed, “I don’t mind.” 

Louis’ was already looking but continued now with her permission. Her breasts were perky with an appealing curve, gravity pulling them down just enough to show that they had some weight. Her nipples were small but dark, hard and pebbled atop puffy areolas that made Louis’ mouth water. He could already feel how perfectly plushy they would feel against his tongue. 

“Yeah they’re uh, real nice,” Louis cleared his throat awkwardly and took another swig of his beer. 

“They are, aren’t they?” Harry tucked her chin to look down at her breasts, one hand moving to cup and squeeze. “They’re getting fuller, I’ve noticed lately. At first it just made my nipples really pointy, but they’ve rounded out nicely.” 

Boobs weren’t something he usually discussed with the women he slept with. Compliments, sure, but not the history of how they came to be. It definitely wasn’t a turn off. Quite the opposite, actually. He remembered Harry as a boy and could imagine the transformation to the person in front of him easily and it made him hard in his jean shorts. It didn’t help that Harry had pinched her nipple between thumb and forefinger and was rolling it back and forth. 

“So Louis. Enough about me, let’s talk about you. Do you live around here? With a boyfriend maybe? A girlfriend?” 

Louis wasn’t prepared to talk about himself and sputtered to put his thoughts back together. 

“Yeah, taking a teaching job not far from here and no girlfriend. Or boyfriend. I’ve only dated women.” 

Harry’s eyebrows shot up. “Really? That’s surprising. I was waiting for you to come out back when I did. Wishful thinking I guess.” 

“That time we kissed? For your experiment? That was the only time I’ve ever… with a guy…” 

“Louis Tomlinson. I’m flattered,” she smirked across from him. 

“What about you? Do I need to be worried about a jealous partner turning up to kick my ass right now?” Louis raised his own challenging brow. 

“Nope,” she popped the p with her full, glossy lips. “I’ve given some head but haven’t found anyone worth trusting yet for anything else. Didn’t want the whole campus to know about my little  _ surprise _ if things didn’t turn out well.” 

“Surprising. You always seemed so horny back then. I thought you’d have a lot of partners under your belt by now.” 

Louis thought back to all the times Harry had instigated their conversations about sex and the few times they got off together during sleep overs that probably went too far. 

“I lost interest in sex for a long time,” Harry shrugged a shoulder, “The hormones do that. And then it took me a long time to figure out how to get off when I did start wanting to… Back then, that was really just my crush on you. I’ve always wanted to have sex with you.” 

She blushed and fidgeted with the clip in her hair as she looked away. 

“Is that what this is?” Louis asked with a small laugh so it didn’t feel so heavy. 

“Is it working?” Harry turned her face back to meet his eyes, holding his gaze for a meaningful moment. 

“Is that what you want?” Louis asked, his voice higher than usual. 

“Louis, are you attracted to me?” 

It wasn’t said in a seductive way nor was it said in a tone where Louis felt he had to lie. Harry wanted an honest answer, her vulnerability showing as she laid out her cards. 

“I’m very attracted to you and I’ve been having a hard time keeping that in check,” Louis admitted barely above a whisper. 

Harry sat up and set her beer to the side, Louis’ eyes glued to the way her nearly naked body moved. There were almost no physical traces left of the boy that used to be his friend. Her hips had rounded from the bean pole Louis remembered and her ass was tight and round, the complete opposite of the pancake backside that couldn’t hold up his pants. 

Holy hell. Louis was  _ so _ attracted to her. 

She approached the recliner and took his beer bottle away before slowly settling her knees on either side of him to straddle his lap. Her breasts were right in his face and the only thing covering her body were those sinfully short shorts. He stared at her crotch and still couldn’t tell where she was hiding her dick. It seemed fully possible that she’d already had the surgery and was testing his reaction by starting out small. 

It appeared he’d find out soon enough. 

Those breasts were right in his face now and he needed to have those puffy nipples in his mouth. So he cupped the weight of her left tit in his hand and brought his mouth to its center. It was smooth and soft just as he’d imagined it would be, the hard little nub a focal point to the pillow his lips were wrapped around. He sucked and swirled his tongue and then felt his dick twitch as Harry gasped and whimpered and slid her fingers into his hair to hold him there. 

“ _ Oh fuck, _ ” Harry let out in a shaky whisper, her body unable to keep still as he sucked and rolled her nipple against his tongue. 

He wondered if this was the first time anyone had done this to her, if it was the first time she’d  _ let _ anyone do this to her. He was  _ so hard _ in his shorts over it. The trust was powerful. 

He took a handful of her other breast and squeezed, just perfect to not quite fit in his hand. Harry was practically shaking above him and finally got the nerve to grind down against Louis’ crotch, his erection hard and obvious without even having to bear down as Harry was. 

Louis released her breast to grab her ass, squeezing it as he thrust up against her to make it clear if it wasn’t already. 

“Will you fuck me?” Harry asked through a breathy moan, hands grounding herself by gripping Louis’ shoulders. “Please Lou, I know I can trust you.” 

“Yeah, yeah okay,” Louis nodded without much hesitation. He didn’t often refuse sex when offered in general and he was  _ so turned on _ . Harry was fantasies he didn’t know he had, beautiful with great breasts and a great mind that he had once known well. “No one’s going to come up here, right?” 

“No, I locked the door,” Harry said before leaning in to finally claim Louis’ lips in a deep and desperate kiss. “Waited so long, you have no idea,” Harry was murmuring against his mouth. 

Her hands moved from where they’d held his jaw to pull at his tshirt. She yanked it over his head and tossed it aside, soft fingers moving across his chest to gently give his nipples a squeeze. She was confident for someone claiming to have little experience. 

They moved down to unbutton his jean shorts, dragging the zipper down while being careful of her perfectly manicured nails. 

“Are you as big as I remember?” she asked mostly to herself before fishing her hand in and pulling out his rock hard cock. He’d been so  _ so _ hard for a while now. “ _ Bigger _ ,” she whispered in awe as she got a hand around him and started to stroke, “So thick.” 

Louis moaned with the praise, not immune to his ego being stroked along with his cock. Harry slid off his lap to his knees, leaning in to wrap his lips around the head with a sinful suck. Her red lipstick was smudged but not enough to look messy. It made her lips stand out against the sink of his cock, especially in the dim light. He went to slide his fingers into her hair and had to pull out pins and clips before the curls were free to fall down to frame her face. She was so fucking pretty. 

Her left hand had disappeared and he shifted to get an idea of where it had gone. Her little shorts were unbuttoned now, the fly free with enough room for her fingers to slip in. He loved being with a girl who liked to pleasure herself, who didn’t look at blowing him as a chore. 

It had been so long since he’d gotten his dick wet, not having the time to go out and get laid as he usually had on weekends while at school. This was better than some one night stand and couldn’t wait to see how damp Harry was for him. A quick shake of his head reminded him that wasn’t going to be what he would find when he finally had her naked. 

Her mouth felt so good that he could easily just get off and be off the hook, but also really wanted to be the one to take her virginity. He might never be able to get such a chance again. 

“Slow down, Harry, gonna come,” Louis touched her jaw softly with his fingertips, almost shooting off right there when she looked at him with her big eyes from under her long curved lashes. Fuck. He was so gone. 

She popped off and then gave him another teasing lick before she rose, shorts so tight they stayed around her hips as she walked over and pulled a box out from under the bed. From inside, she produced lube and a condom, tossing them on the bed. She stood there awkwardly for what only lasted a moment before she took a breath and slid her shorts of her hips so they fell to the floor. Beneath she wore a powder pink soft cotton thong, the first hint of her parts outlined with the stretch of fabric tight against her body. 

She blushed as Louis took her in, shifting under the attention but not hiding herself away. 

Louis stood and let his own shorts and boxerbriefs fall to the floor. He took his proud cock in hand and gave it a few strokes as she got the full view of his naked body, one step ahead of hers for comfort. 

She crawled up on the bed and stayed on all fours, looking over her shoulder as she reached behind to pull the strip of the thong aside to expose her hole. Even it was pretty and Louis wasn’t normally into assholes. She pulled one of her pillows forward and hid her face in it, presumably waiting for Louis to come take her. 

“On your back,” Louis said with a gentle touch to her thigh, “Want to see your face.” 

Harry did hesitantly, her fingers resting protectively along the edge of her thong at her hips. He could work with that if she didn’t want him to see her. He crawled over her body to kiss her, letting their skin touch as many places as they could. The tip of his cock touched the soft fabric covering her and it felt nice like a gentle caress. 

“Want to make you feel good,” he murmured softly and started a trail of kisses down her neck. He felt around for the bottle of lube as his lips found one of her exquisite nipples again, moaning around it on his tongue. “Gonna finger you first.” 

“God yes, want your fingers in my pussy.” The words were addressed to him but muttered in a soft whisper to herself and when he looked up her eyes were tightly closed as if in her own fantasy where he was just part of her imagination. 

He guided her thighs apart, encouraging her knees to bed to plant her feet on the mattress so he had better access. 

With his fingers slick with lube, he touched his fingertip to her hole, circling it slowly as he watched what he was doing. He grabbed a pillow and helped guide it under her hips, the angle making it much easier. 

“So wet,” Louis murmured as he spread the lube, maybe using too much but he didn’t have much experience to go on. The way Harry moaned and gripped the sheets at her sides said that there must not be a problem, the tip of his middle finger adding pressure until it was sliding in. 

She was tight and so warm, his cock throbbing to get inside. He gave it a squeeze and then some loose strokes just to hold him over as his ring finger pressed in alongside his other. He glanced up to see her eyes still closed, head tipped back so the length of her neck was exposed. He wanted to suck marks into the pale skin at the base of her throat, something to remind her of this night when she put on her skimpy summer tops. 

“Please Lou, I want it now,” Harry moaned, barely able to keep herself still on Louis’ fingers. 

He gave her a few more thrusts of his digits before pushing back up to his knees and shifting forward. He let his hard cock rest on top of her pink thong and slid his hands up her inner thighs until the tips of his fingers touched the edge. 

“Can I take these off?” he asked as his fingers walked to the top in preparation. 

Harry blushed and covered her face for a moment. It was fine. Louis could easily fuck her with the thong pulled to the side. But then she let out a long breath and then nodded, helping Louis slide them off her hips and down her legs until they could be kicked to the floor. 

He looked down at what she had been hiding behind soft pink. Her limp cock really was much smaller than the last time he’d seen it, little and pink and oddly pretty lying there. Just below was the tightened skin that formerly held her testicles, no longer sagging with their weight. The scar running down the center was still pink and new and he lifted his finger to trace the line. 

Harry shivered under the touch and Louis wasn’t sure why it took seeing that incision for it to suddenly feel so deep. Harry had voluntarily gone under the knife to give up his balls in order to feel like the woman laid out in front of him. 

He couldn’t help but lean down to kiss her, someone who had given up so much just to feel comfortable in her own body. It wasn’t right that he had to be her first because it had so far been too much to build that trust with someone else. It wasn’t right that she’d been going through all of it alone since the day she started to self medicate. He was going to make her feel so good. She deserved it. 

He sat back to rip open the condom, rolling it down his length while she watched with her bottom lip captured between her teeth. Lining up, he held the base of his dick and rested his other hand on her hip, nestling the head of his cock against her hole until he could start pressing in. 

He paused for a moment and looked up, “I’m not the first  _ anything _ , right?”

“No, no, I have dildos, I’m fine,” she confirmed quickly. 

He nodded and proceeded with more confidence, slowly sliding in as he leaned his weight into it. She was so tight around him and wondered if she needed more prep, but the open mouth, closed eye look on his face said otherwise. He didn’t even have to ask if it felt good when every twitch of her face said it did. 

Pausing once he was inside for her to get used to the intrusion, he slid his hand up her thigh and across her hip, his focus on her small deflated cock. He took it into his hand as he started shallow thrusts, stroking it as he would if he were trying to get himself hard. A sturdy grip grabbed his wrist to stop him, pulling his hand away with a seriously set look on her face. 

“Don’t.” She said firmly. 

Not quite knowing what had triggered that reaction, he froze, his wrist still in her hold. 

“Show me?” he asked. 

Her grip slowly loosened and the hard look on her face softened around the edges as if realizing it hadn’t been Louis’ intention to touch her how she didn’t want to be touched. 

“I don’t have to…” Louis held his hands up away from her body, “If you don’t want me to, I won’t.” 

Harry’s eyes closed and she looked so frustrated with herself, so disappointed, but also determined. She opened her eyes again and Louis could tell she was fighting a battle with herself. 

“Show me how you like to get off?” Louis suggested since he could tell that not touching her wasn’t the resolution she wanted. He encouraged her with soothing strokes up and down her inner thighs, the mood settling back in after the interruption. His hips made tiny slow thrusts, just enough for a little friction, as he watched her hesitance slowly dissolve. 

She blushed deeper and covered her face with one hand as her left slowly traveled down her stomach. 

“I don’t know if I can with someone watching,” she whispered as her fingertips reached the root of her cock. 

“I don’t have to watch, just don’t want this to be one sided,” Louis said softly, but she shook her head. She hadn’t meant she didn’t want him to watch, just implied she might have stage fright. 

He watched her fingers direct her small, soft cock down, the head pointing towards Louis. She finally removed her hand from her face and reached for the lube. The tip of her middle finger was the only one she got wet before her hand returned and Louis continued to watch curiously. She kept her middle finger held above her skin as her first and ring finger framed her cock and pulled it down between her legs. It was then that her middle finger spread the lube over the head and started circling it over the sensitive tip. 

Seeing what she was doing, he finally understood. He’d been with enough girls to know that motion and also what it meant. She’d stopped him before because it wasn’t a cock, it was her clit. The only difference was that she had to hold it in place, but he’d also seen plenty of women hold their lips open the same way to do the same thing. He could see why she’d wanted her balls gone if this was how she got off. The fantasy could easily be ruined with them there in the way reminding her that her body still didn’t quite match. 

“I’m going to suck on that clit later,” Louis murmured and it was the right thing to say. Harry whimpered and she appeared to give in, her body less rigid as she stroked her clit and let her hips move with Louis’ small motions. 

“Yeah rub that clit, get yourself off on my cock.” Louis wasn’t into dirty talk, but with Harry he couldn’t stop himself. 

He slid his hands up to get a nice steadying grip on the full curve of her hips before slowly pulling out until just the head was inside and then slowly pushing back in, her knuckles brushing his happy trail where she worked at herself. 

Louis didn’t think he had a virginity fantasy, but here they were. He at least did for her. He was the first cock inside her and the first to see the way she pleasured herself. That kept him rock hard which made it easier to keep up his torturously slow thrusts. It was going against his instinct to slam into her and buck himself to orgasm, but the ecstasy on her face held him back. 

He shifted his hips to find a good angle and his chest puffed with smug pride as she gasped and rubbed her clit with more determined strokes. 

“Come for me darling, come on my cock,” he moaned as he tries to keep the same angle and motion that caused her to react. He succeeded from what he could tell and watched her face free as her shoulders locked and her body with momentarily rigid. He almost thought he had again done something wrong until she let out a breathy noise and shuddered over and over again with her head thrown back. 

She was coming and the intensity of even witnessing it made his cock respond in surprise. He thrusts in and held as he shot into the condom, her knuckles touching him low between his hips as she worked herself through wave after wave of her orgasm. 

Louis had to admit that he was kind of jealous as he watched out long she rode it out, his own orgasms coming fast and hard without much to savour. 

Her hand finally went lax and rested against her hip while her body went boneless. She finally opened her eyes and a bashful grin took over her face as she chanced a look at him. 

“No stage fright then?” He asked with a smug smirk. 

He carefully pulled out and wrapped the condom in a tissue from beside her bed, tossing it into the small can not far away. 

“So was it good?” Louis asked though he already knew the answer. 

“Fuck,” she groaned as she pushed her fingers into her hair and held them there as if he’d blown her mind. He wanted to think he had. “I don’t want to tell you this because I don’t want you to get a big ego over it, but that was probably the best orgasm I’ve ever had.” 

She looked over at him and he couldn’t help but smirk. She smiled with deep happy dimples and shook her head, going back to basking in the afterglow. 

“Sorry about, you know,” Louis offered and Harry waved him off. 

“I didn’t tell you, you didn’t know,” she said honestly and Louis was glad to know she hadn’t been upset with him. 

“So you don’t get hard?” Louis asked and hoped they were still at a place that he could ask questions. 

She shook her head. “I think the last time I got hard, like genuinely hard, was my seventeenth birthday. I wasn’t under a doctor’s supervision to tell me that it’s a use it or lose it type of organ. My sex drive dropped to nothing when I started popping all the estrogen so I wasn’t jerking off at all and then when I did get hard, it was actually painful so I didn’t  _ want _ to. It atrophies without use, I guess. I’ve read up on it now. That’s why morning wood is a thing and stuff, your body just keeping your dick in shape. But that all stops when testosterone levels drop and I was a stupid kid who didn’t know that and then after a while I couldn’t get hard at all. Eventually I learned how to get off without a dick to jerk and honestly I prefer it. It’s so different and more intense. Another reason why I hesitate with surgery. It already took me years to figure out how to come like this and it might take that long to relearn  _ again  _ after surgery.” 

“Years??” Louis asked in disbelief. He’d go crazy without jerking off at the very least least once a week. 

Harry nodded with a hum of confirmation. “I started to get a little bit of desire back once I had doctors monitoring my hormone levels and adjusting my prescriptions, but I was already broken by then,” Harry smirked with his wording, “And it was maybe a year and a half or so? Something like that before I even got close. I cried when it finally happened, I won’t even lie about that. It was one of the happiest days of my life.” 

Louis snorted out a laugh and Harry grinned. 

“Harry? Harry are you up there?” 

They both jump a mile as Harry’s mom’s voice comes through the door, the door knob rattling after a knock. 

“Yeah mom! Just a minute!” 

Harry jumped up and started to scrabble for her clothes, wiggling into her little shorts and grabbing a tshirt off the floor to pull on. Louis attempted to dress just as fast, hopping around as he pulled on his jeans. 

“Okay honey, Alice just wanted to say bye before she left!” 

“Okay mom! Be right down!” 

Harry stood in front of her mirror to try to fix her hair, the messy curls now hopelessly out of place. She gave up and pulled it all back into a ponytail. 

“Want to do this again later?” She asked softly as she headed towards the door, turning back to grin. 

“Yeah, I’m in,” Louis smirked and blew her a kiss. 


End file.
